::be real

5 September 2009

it felt weird not to post for a few days. first, she asked us to do an assignment privately— think of 25 wonderful things and qualities about me. i thought about it, but must admit– there was no writing.

and then yesterday, she asked us to be real. i love that thought: be real. be real.

the assignment: search through the drawer in your heart. Are there memories that shaped your self image?

it was 2002. i was a world away, literally: i was in florence, italy, studying abroad. i was feeling smothered and loved, all at the same time. trapped & wide open. so when we had a long weekend, instead of joining my friends in spain, i decided to travel via train, all alone, to switzerland.

from italy to switzerland, alone. across foreign boarders.

i boarded the train, full of fear and excitement. somehow there was a mistake in the night, with my europass being stamped twice. using rusty italian to try and explain the mistake to the mean-looking middle-aged man in the train hat was scary. but apparently, my anxiety and innocence shone through– they let the mistake go.

there was a white chocolate bar for breakfast. there had been the last time i had gone to switzerland as well, several weeks before (that time with friends). until those two switzerland trips, i thought white chocolate was disgusting. disgusting. now, i can’t get enough of it. deliciuos, is more like it.

as i wandered around the cities of switzerland, around the hostel, i remember feeling somewhat lonely, but so, so happy and so, so independent. it was something that i needed to prove to myself: that i could do it. that i can be me, by myself.

it’s something that i’ve always struggled with. something that i am very adamant about: ask anyone. they’ll tell you about my walls that i build up. i’ll let you get close, but not too close.

just not too close.

Switzerland By Myself was proving that even if someone knocked down those walls, i would still be okay.

And since then, a few people have knocked down those walls. and i was and i am okay.

and now, someone is living at the top of the castle with me. he scaled the walls and stole my heart, and asked me to be with him forever a few months ago.

and because i went to switzerland by myself, and because i know that i can, i said yes, yes, yes.

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One Response to “::be real”

  1. It took me a long time to brave being alone for days at a time. I’ve discovered I like my own company. You were lucky to find that out early. Good post.

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